Television Courtroom Strategy

If you tune into Fox at any time between 10 AM and 5 PM, you'll find a block of programming dedicated to the judicial system. These shows feature plaintiffs and defendants seeking justice without the assistance of attorneys for small, civil disputes. The judges are all certified adjudicators and feel like day time drama is the best way to put their years of extensive research on law into practice. If at some point in the future you wish to exact restitution, and believe that a television courtroom is the best route, here are some tips to ensure that justice is quickly served:

1. Be sure to bring pictures and documents. They don't have to pertain to the case at hand; in fact, they don't have to incriminate anyone for any reason. They simply have to be "telling of character". Surely your opponent has been pictured with guns, bandannas, booze or flaky women. Enlarge them to a big enough size so that the judge can clearly see that they are worthless people, even if it has nothing to do with your scratched Corolla.

2. Strength in numbers. Bring family members or friends that can attest to your moral fortitude. If the other side brings the above pictures, you'll need a rebuttal and your word won't cut it.

3. Middle of the road, you get squashed. If your opponent wears a double breasted, pin-stripe or a classy pant suit, your best option is an un-tucked Tommy Hilfiger shirt and gold necklace (imitation gold is fine. The judge won't know the difference). TV judges often conflate plaintiffs and defendants, so its good to keep their confusion to a minimum. This strategy also allows you to point out that "they're just trying to impress you. Typically they wear diapers and moo-moos (have picture handy)." If you are the one wearing the suit, then be sure and expound on the opposition's lack of tact and respect for the court.

4. Don't prepare your opening argument. 'Like' and 'um' are two of the most versatile words in the English language. They add flavor and character to your statement. Repeatedly referring to the opposition as a habitual liar and cheat drives your point home. The only thing you really need is the exact time and date of the crime in question. How else will the judge know which act is being discussed?

5. Being young is a good enough excuse. Battery is acceptable in most states for those under 17 years of age (give or take ten years). As long as you've grown up, no one can blame you for it.

6. Interrupt. Don't let them get away with that shit. This show is only 30 minutes long and justice must be served. Respond as if your enemy is speaking directly to you and not addressing the court. Judges find this to be a bold strategy and will reward you with praise. At the very least, blurt "lies" every time you hear one muttered by the opposition. The judge is keeping a tally, and if you can say "lies" more times than they can make points, you win.

7. Argue with the judge. There is a theme developing here: judges don't like push-overs. They are extremely understanding people who make decisions based on how well you handle yourself. Given this, they really can't stand people who don't assert their righteousness at every turn. Its a sign of weakness. I mean, you swore to tell the truth, right?

8. Don't sign shit. This is more of a pre-court preparation strategy. If you need to co-sign for a Honda, a loan for new tits, a lease or any other contract, then just make it verbal. No one can pin you to that.

9. So you've won, now what? Collect your money, of course! In the post-show interview, its important to continue the proceedings as if a decision was not rendered. Establish that "our [you + opponent] relationship is over". This allows you to, in the future, add harassment and emotional distress to the list of charges. After all, YOU said it was over. It can't be your fault if they run into your knife.

10. Upon returning to the courtroom for a second trial, make sure you are noticeably better-off than you were the first appearance: a nail job, clean shaven, a white t-shirt underneath the un-tucked Tommy Hilfiger shirt. Its all about appearance. After that, just follow the steps again, and you're guaranteed a ruling in your favor.

spin the shooter. he can't be human. we cannot be like him. he is conviction without restraint. he is proportionate, at the most. the weapons are still weapons. he will torture everything. his family is disappointed. if he can't reform he is without meaning. he gave up his home, career, wife and family for conviction. Despite this,he is still wrong. He is still lost. He is not what i will be. Trust me.

Debate History: Patty Duke Episode

The Patty Duke Show- Patty The Chatterbox.