Sunday, May 3, 2009

Rasputin, et al

Most Saturdays are not worth their weight in salt. On a particular Saturday, after five hours of kitchen duty, I found that despite an adequate amount of sleep the night before I could use a few winks more. 3 pm is as good a-time as any to rest. Most people don’t value sleep, at least no more than water, food or hygiene. Truth be told, it’s the only time I can relinquish control to pure chance. Therefore, its valuable and this Saturday served a deeply cherished purpose. I had completed a day and now the day was going to complete me in whatever way it wanted.

Other people had ulterior motives about that Saturday. Ideas that fell through, meetings that never happened, and promises lazily broken meant that any quick-wit would have to resort to others means. One person in particular felt this way: Cammy Pap. She had been crying for hours, stressed about the momentous opportunity that had been slipping away all afternoon. Understand that, to her, the mailing system in America is not reliable or expedient enough and the application for her graduate school admittance was due in a matter of hours. And, as if designed by the grand architect Himself, a close personal friend of hers was giving the last musical performance of her undergraduate career at the very same moment and place where the application needed to be. Her boyfriend was supposed accompany her, but ditched at the last moment. All others, as well, fell to the way side.

The solution seemed simple enough: get application, go see performance, drop off application, and appease admissions and friend in one swift action. And simple it was. There was nothing complicated about any of it. Even months after, I cannot think of a single reason why this could not have been done promptly and pleasantly by herself. But to Cammy, nothing was ever clear. Gradations of grey spread endlessly before her every decision. To go alone was to justify being alone now and forever.

My phone rang around 5:40 pm, stopping productivity. No one calls me, really. Especially on Saturdays, when the banks are closed, the movies I rented were purchased only hours ago and are in no jeopardy of being late (yet), and people have plans that don’t involve me largely because I decline. The caller ID read “Cammy”, which was an even bigger surprise after my failed attempts at courtship months earlier left us without any substance on which to build. We called it quits on the pleasantries. I thought it was mutual.

“hello?”

“Hey, Matt its Cammy, how are you?”

“fine. What’s up?”

If I ever did get phone calls, they were usually information based: “meet me at the bar in 30 minutes”, “can I borrow a movie?”, “did chris get home safe last night?” This one started in a way that meant a higher purpose.

“Would you like to go see a performance with me?”

“uh…when?”

“in about an hour. It’s a senior recital. I didn’t want to go alone.”

“oh. Sure, I don’t have anything going on.”

“great. I’ll pick you up in about five minutes?”

“oh, sure. Sounds great.”

It seemed like a long time to waste between travel and performance. I’m all for being punctual, but an hour early seemed a bit over-kill and ultimately terrible. People often assume rationality in irrational situations.

Like promised, Cammy arrived as I put on my jacket and whipped the crust from my eyes. She seemed happy to see me. She always looked so beautiful to me. Her neck is long and slender, her smile is wide and her body ached, just ached, with obviously strong pelvic muscles that knew their purpose. Slender, for sure, but the nude modeling job that she did for a Life-drawing class provided me, and anyone who cared to glance at the several portraits of her in the art building, with ample proof that she hid a vessel of exquisite personality. I was glad to see her too.

Polite conversation punctuated the first few minutes towards the show. She told me about the application that was due and how no one else could/would go with her. I felt at that moment a bit runner-up, but it was nothing a nice night of theater wouldn’t cure. Theater has never appealed to me that much, but if I could get a kiss out of it, I’d say “fuck yes” to any Andrew Lloyd Webber musical. This recital held promise.

We head north towards her house to pick up the application and then proceeded, again, north towards the university. My anticipation of possible sex almost blinded me from the fact that we had passed the university and were heading to the outskirts of Emporia. “what is the quickest way to Wichita?” she said calmly.

Wichita? That’s an hour away. That explained why she needed to pick me up so quickly. But she was going to have to book-it to make it in time. I’m not opposed to impromptu road trips, nor am I opposed to Wichita, the place of my birth. But this would have been good information in this decision’s infancy. It became clear that she had hidden this information from me for fear that I too would decline: a tactic I despise. Omission is non-clever deception, and deception is why I moved back to Emporia in the first place; to no longer deceive myself nor anyone around me. I expect the same from all. Far be it for me to give her any shred of direction.

“35 south is the quickest. So we’re going to Wichita eh? I thought it was at ESU.” Her eyes looked deep into mine, as if to erase malice from my M.O. checklist. Please readers, mind the road.

“Did I not mention that? Yeah, she’s a senior at Wichita State and I promised I would go see her. That’s where the application needs to be dropped off as well. I hope you don’t mind.”

I did mind, but what could I do? By that time we were already going 80 on the turnpike and the next exit was 20 miles down the road. It was out of my hands and all I could do was attempt to enjoy the evening. Perhaps it was a simple mistake. Sometimes we all forget very important and highly consequential details, right?

I still couldn’t believe that a woman this physically stunning would request my company, even if I was a 3rd round pick. I had made her a mixed tape about 7 months prior that I took great pride in. It was one of the finest I had ever made. It was a bad decision on multiple levels. I had only known her for a few weeks and my gesture surely came off desperate. Antiquated technology also meant that the tape was useless for anyone my age who did not share my fascination, Cammy being one of those people. Still, she called me. Of all the people in the digital world, the woman who was potentially scared away by my symbolic equivalent of an 8-track recording of stalker motives as read by Vincent Price, wanted me sit by her side and watch art happen.



to be continued...

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

"are you mad at me?"

I heard him say it so clearly. It was as if i was five, threw a tantrum, and there he was to settle the score. To allow me to weep in his arms and let the anguish subside. But he is not here. Those days are no more and have not been for a long while. But my sleep had been brashly stirred, and my response was just to myself.

"of course i'm not, dad. I never really have been."

Monday, April 20, 2009

The last thing you want to hear after a night turned darkened day is the sound of birds. They come even before the sun stirs above the horizon. They sense the birth of morning better than any farmer could hope to. But this sense lays flat on the humming tones of your own rhythmic breath, as you slip slowly into the sleep you've stifled for upwards of 20 hours. Chirps packaged as insult, because you know they do this by choice. Instinct is still choice. We stunt instinct when we don't hump strangers. The birds have not cared to learn this yet. But I will teach them, by showing how peaceful i can be in spite of them and their incessant chatter. I've broken the code, too. They are laughing. That explains the shrill banshee decibels. They mock the nights brevity and how it lost at hiding all the worldly unknowables. And primarily, they direct me to the impending day. I suppose that if the days were good, their laughter would be good. But do customer service reps ever smile back? And when you sing to them, don't they consider you pest? if it was good, you'd be good for good. After a night of drinking, you can count on the birds driving stakes into today's coffin.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

http://www.sharedsacrifice.us/April16Cook_Emporia_smoking_ban.html

This is my new article. read it.


http://www.sharedsacrifice.us/April16Cook_Emporia_smoking_ban.html

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

vultures stopped circling. Doom wasn't apart of it. Everyone sat, blank faced, piecing together their own temper. Happenstance: a word that means we had no bidding and a corralling of no ones' fault. Eat still, and for the drink, can there be no compliment? Drink still and be still by useless digits, rallied skyward to mark the apex of the sun. At 2:30 we put away our old selves. She, her marked time, clocks in at just under radical, ready to make peace with the stench of their jobs let loose by old age, night shifts or the habit that wrought them and is stripped, fair skinned to the city legislature. She, who at any time would pledge allegiance to Emporia's flag if there were one, samples air dirty to be clean, smokeless, mean and the jar runs empty for the fifth time this week.

Friday, March 20, 2009

Stop 1: Kingman
- bought paper, pens, gum and toothbrush

Stop 2: Greensburg
- Stop at worlds largest hand-dug well
- met Stacy at the gift shop. Says "Green movement is a reason for young people to re-inhabit rural America".
- Land and trees are barren due to 2007 tornado. Stripped of all vegetation
- lots of new model homes
- Met a green-architect from Lawrence (KS) named Dave. Claims his efforts are in vain. “Build a house. Fill the house. Find no work. Leave the house. Community crumbles. Western Kansas is not a retirement spot.”

- Essential question: How do we get young people to rural America?
o Incentives?
o Family Values?
o Resurgence of small-scale agriculture?
o Gun point?

- Who profits from small town resurgence?
- Is minority inclusion probable in a new exodus?
- Elaborate on why urban notions of disgust surround rural living.

- Remember “the dust settles” poem.

- Towns in atrophy: Greensburg, Lakin,

- Towns in rigormortis: Coolidge, Meade, Mullinville

- Living towns: Pratt, Kingman

Stop 3: Mullinville

- Country café for lunch
- Town of nearly no population
- See pictures
- 3 total feed yards as of this town
-----


6:27 pm 3-19-09

At the windbreak in Syracuse. Upon my entrance, the bar turns to look at me. All of them men over 50 years old. The bar tender asks if I’m “ABC”, to which I say “what does that mean?”

“Alcoholic Beverage C-something”. They ask what the hell I’m doing here.

“I’m visiting family.”

“what’s your family?”

“The cooks. You know, Darrel and Linda.”

The bar erupts into stories of my family.

“I went to school with Darrel. He should be coming in here in a few minutes.”
“One night in about 77, I was sitting here at the bar and it was packed. I feel someone push me from behind and it was your dad. I was ready to cut him with my knife, but he was just visiting from college and we sat and drank beer all night, the old son of a bitch.”

After all the familial formalities were finished, they asked what I do.

“I go to school.”
“what for?”
“To become a teacher.”
“…what the hell is wrong with you?”“I’m not as strong as the rest of the cook boys.”
“Not by the looks of ya’, cubby.”
“thanks.”

----

I’ve been trying to piece this town together for years. All I have are stories and the limited experience as a city boy visiting for the summer. I’m trying to figure out what people look forward to here.

From first glance, the town is staying alive somehow. The people seem to know their purpose, but don’t wear it on their sleeve. The ones I’ve seen so far have been ravaged by years of chain smoking, lackluster crops, subsidies, and alcoholism.

----

Sampling water to grow for nations. Jovial to taste a drop, out of humor and horror that our tongues stay salty. Or that our best love of land is never enough, how god has always forsaken the land. We are broken to break, too shaken for the sake of rattles in the grass, the only thing growing.

----

quote from bar:

“Obama’s trying to get us out of an economic crisis. No work, no crisis.”

----

This is how well I know my family:

*me exiting the bar. Directed to man at the bar who looks familiar*
me: you my cousin?
Him: what?
Me: you ben?
Him: … no.
Me: my mistake. Take it easy.

----
Greensburg cont…
- People walking about in various directions. Oddly visible. Not obstructed by structure. Aimless, it seems, but with reason.
- The majority of cars in the town are in front of a brand new Kwik Shop. State of the art.
- New art gallery made of temperature sensitive glass that opens and closes to adjust for weather. Powered by solar panels. I imagine Leonardo Dicapprio narrating.

Mullinville cont…
- collection of metal art. All political. See photos. AMAZING!
-

----

3-20-09 6:50 AM- Ramblin Inn Restaurant- Syracuse, KS

Collection of friends and acquaintances sit at adjacent tables. I notice a familiar accent. I peg him as Scottish and through some pretty simple eavesdropping (they all speak loudly), I confirmed it: he’s a Scott. I can’t imagine why he has come to this tiny Kansas farm community. He seems to be well known to the regulars here.

The breakfast was good: pancakes and hash browns

The whole town is talking about #33 (Bryce Simon) on American University’s basketball team, who is from Syracuse. They made it to the NCAA tournament for the 2nd year in a row. They were beating Villanova Thursday night, but lost in the 2nd half.

Gossip is thick: talking about a kid to took a shit in the swimming pool. They put cameras around the pool to prevent it from happening again.

Their conversations: Work, politics, frustrations, taxes, sports, town business
My conversations: Work, gross stories, movie/tv quotations, booze/drugs, sex, games, sports.

Total feed yards observed during trip: 8 (including Tyson’s relocation to Garden City)

--------

Agenda for today:
- Visit Grandpa and Grandma’s grave
- Talk To People
- Visit Jeff/Pam, and Linda
- Visit Hamilton County Museum
- Get stats on economy
- Watch “Slumdog Millionaire” at 7pm at theater
- go to bar. Try and get some interviews in.

Monday, March 2, 2009

Paul's Story


Upon hearing of his passing, I am immediately taken back to the yellow dodge pick-up, dirty interior wreaking of spent Pall Malls, exhaust fumes, and the rough gargle of words coming from one of three Cook boys: Tracy, Darrel, or Bill. My balance is unsure, the road is no more than two parallel slits in the middle of endless brown and spattered white. We drive slow in correction. This gave us enough time, from leaving the house to our arrival at a broken fence, the workshop or the cattle pens, to listen to his every consonant. How delicate and mindful he was to be understood, and for his stories to never fall on deaf ears. Our silence at 6 AM is already mandated, but now profound at the presence of "The Rest of the Story".

A man loses dog, finds jesus, finds dog, loses jesus.

A woman viciously raped and murdered by son and gang of unruly friends

A farmer, fond of heavy metal, scares cows away, only to lure them back with Liszt's Hungarian Rhapsody...straight to the slaughter house. (Bill chuckles at that one)

Come lunch, it was back to the house for bologna sandwiches with REAL mayonnaise, a pleasant departure from Miracle Whip.

"did you listen to Harvey today, Darrel?"

"yeah. that cattle story?"

"Ha Ha Ha. Matthew and I got a kick out of that, didn't we son?"

Even then, at the endless age of 10, i knew that the morning was special and that, though inarticulate, i wanted to sit and listen to Paul Harvey for hours with the Cook boys. Later, my father would drift in and out of stories of him hating the harvest and loving Harvey. How his stories were, in part, the catalyst for his divorce from agriculture. Strange. To this day, its one of my fondest memories of the farm.

If "The Rest of the Story" were a symphony, the false endings would have us terrified from second to second. I was never sure if he had finished a story. His pauses were the lull that kept us wanting. You could finally relax when Paul gave the all-clear "Good Day". This is when the mass of the day laid its girth on you. The world isn't about stories anymore, its about labor. But its still the pauses that crack the possibility that make you chuckle at the drunkard drinking O'douls, weap at the abandonment of an infant, or take stock in the ludicrous national politik. And the pause, now forever, keeps me posted.

Good Day