Summer Plans

This summer hopes to be a tangled one. School, for the first time ever, has taken a seat amongst the perennial contenders debate and work as measures of focus. Before, it made little sense to devote off time to school. The time for school will provide for itself, or so i thought. Its clear now that if i want to be a writer, or if want something of substance- define that as you will- after i graduate then i had better understand the damned discipline. I'm lucky enough to know a professor willing to take time out of her schedule to speak with me about writing and literature. Ask anyone who the most well-read person they know is and no one will say me. Nor should they. Reading was difficult for me. I lost concentration. My mind drifted out of the text. A incidental phrase would snag me and wouldn't allow me to move on. I've become a more disciplined reader now, but not to my satisfaction. This summer is about becoming a better reader. The rest of my life can be about becoming a better writer. The aforementioned professor once said something along the lines of 'Some people want to become without the becoming'. That resonated with me like nothing she'd ever said. This summer is a becoming.

Why do I want to write? There's a girl and right now, i just want to write about her. But i wouldn't know where to begin or, more importantly, conclude. The situation is a unique and unexpected experience. I've combed over nearly 12 years of online diary keeping i've done, and in particular, entries about the girls i've had interests in. The cliche, the redundancy, the narrative droning can all be explained or excused by inexperience. What is true about each of those entries was a sincere desire to want to share how I felt about someone to other people; people that would understand me and be happy for me. The difference between love stories and others is that love stories want to be understood to a greater degree. Abstraction works elsewhere.

So, I can't write how i feel about her very well. Telling her how I feel, and have felt, is just as hard. So i'll leave it at this: we will spend time together in a daring capacity. I hope that everyone that reads this can do the same.